Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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