i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
