If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
