I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
