I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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