he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i love accidental penises.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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