when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
