dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
