but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
