I can text with my tongue
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
