theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
