How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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