the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
