Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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