why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
