my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
