I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
