I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
