Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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