Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
