I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
