My Higher Power is John Stamos
I met the friendliest cop last night
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
