I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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