I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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