The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
