My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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