I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
This house was built for laser tag.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
