my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They should really pass out barf bags in church
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
