i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
