Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
