is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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