Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
