I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drunk is not a location!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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