i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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