and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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