This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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