Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
