the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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