Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
