Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
