i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
