I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
