Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My cat gives me a boner
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
