all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
