i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
