There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
