Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
