My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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