I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
