i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Farmville is her only friend.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
