I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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