The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
